Sometimes I think about my relationship with my parents. My dad gets pissy about my mom not being home most of the time. He’s home all the time but he can’t do anything. What’s the difference?
My dad has an excuse though. An annoying excuse but an unchangeable one.
Maybe I’m just trying to rationalize my relationship with them since I feel like I’m so spoiled that I HAVE to have something wrong with me so I don’t feel like such a sheltered person whenever I talk to certain friends.
Thinking about it, my relationship with my parents isn’t that normal besides the fact that I never do anything with them, I guess.
Well, it happened again. My friend got mad at me again. My friend won’t respond to my texts again. It just keeps getting worse and worse but I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to lose a friend.
It looks like it’ll just be another night of crying, not sleeping, and listening to ‘Good Morning Emma Sympson’ to remind myself every five seconds just how bad of a person I am.
Issues and more issues. My stomach is feeling queazy.
I’ve been thinking more and more about the way I dress and my gender. I would like to say that I’m pretty comfortable with how I dress. Simple t-shirt and jeans, yep. Sometimes I feel like dressing a little girly to get reactions but I never get them so I kinda feel like giving up on that aspect. I would like to dress a little more boyish. They have really cool shit and I just feel more comfortable about myself dressing that way.
I know it’s a stupid thing to say, someone basing their feelings about you on looks, but I feel like it’s a concern. All these girly girl friends I know and media and the girls my guy friends enjoy talking about. It just, really sends a blow in me. I thought about maybe transgendering into a boy (if that’s how you say it) but I don’t know if I want to. I still like guys…even though I have a female crush, at the moment. Then I start thinking about if I do end up doing that…will there be a guy that accepts me for choosing to do that?
Will I find one that will like me if I choose to do that? Should a teenager should even be thinking about having such thoughts of loneliness and of relationships? ‘It’s the time of your life’. It gets harder to believe more and more everyday.
What a shitty Monday it’s been.
My school day was actually pretty nice. I wore my space/galaxy pants and got a lot of nice comments about them. Even from the girl in my Art class that I think is super cute and adorable and, ahhh (same-sex crushes. oh snap). Though I did get one negative comment. I figured it would happen so I wasn’t too bothered when it actually DID happen.
I was pretty apprehensive about going to Art today. We’re doing a surprise flash mob and we practiced. I was getting nervous about doing it with in front of people since I’m generally shy and unconfident and a self-esteem that loves to stay in the negatives but I found that I didn’t really care. I guess I’m getting to the point where I’m not particularly caring about what people my age say because they’re all children and will grow-up (I hope) eventually. It’s about time too.
C Programming was still frustrating. Still couldn’t figure out the last step in the program even though she explained it. Though she fixed something towards the end of class. I’ll have to try that tomorrow and see if it works.
And here comes the part that starts off my shitty Monday. School has ended and I’m starting to leave. I’m backing out of my parking spot slowly, doing my best to watch out for children and cars. I see the car across from me starting to back as well so I go to slow down. They pull out too fast and end up hitting me. Talk about a mood killer. I was mad and panicking. After discussing it with my parents and a few texts back and forth it was decided that no claim would be filed. So, yay, nothing bad happened and problem was solved.
I spent the rest of the evening resting from the migraine I gained from the whole situation.
Then here comes the whole situation of the night comes along. I was already feeling pretty down. The usual body image/intelligence shit I depress myself over. I started talking about manners with some friends and my views on them and mine, etc. One of my friends, who I’ve been having a lot of issues with lately, said something that made my feelings escalate. I left the chat the cool off but soon joined quickly so as to not anger the person who upset me for being upset. Didn’t work out. They left. I tried texting and apologizing but they won’t respond. Now I’m just sitting cry and trying not to.
It sucks. It really does. I enjoy being their friend when a situation like that doesn’t happen. I’m really grateful to have met them but I feel like I’m going to lose them soon. I’m half-way trying to come to terms with that and half-way not wanting to give up on them. It’s getting so hard to do the latter but I feel like I’m just going to cry hard tonight. Try my best to suck it up, get through another day, and hope it doesn’t happen again ever or at least for a while…if they talk to me again that is…
I forgot to mention how I’m feeling a bit better from pitying self. I don’t feel a lot of improvement but at least I’m crying. Though I’ve been having trouble eating…I know it’s because of the way I’ve been feeling but even if I make something I just haven’t felt like eating it. I ate a few pizza rolls so maybe that’ll last me.
Hopefully going back to school will help me get at least two meals into me.
HI! I’m actually updating. Just rambling about the stuff I thought about today.
It’s also been sorta in the back of my mind, especially recently. I’ve only really thought about it today but not much. It crossed my mind when I was putting clothes on today to wash my car and eventually go get groceries. I realized I feel more comfortable dressing ‘boyish’ than being in girly outfits. I’ve lately come to terms that, yeah, every once in a while I feel like dressing cute just because I can but I just feel a lot better when I’m dressing in something like khaki shorts and t-shirt. I enjoy the styles for men more than styles for women. I always feel spiffy when I dress ‘boyish’.
I dunno, I feel like it’s something I need to experiment with whenever I go shopping. Though I don’t won’t to say that I’m going to eventually identify as a boy. That’s not where I’m going here. I’m just thinking about dressing differently to make me feel more comfortable with myself. If identify as a boy eventually, cool, I guess. Whatever floats my boat but right now I feel like girlish isn’t my thing.
Maybe it’s because of my shitty self-esteem or something. But. Yeah. Ramble over.
It’s been a while since I’ve updated. Not particularly fond of updating something like this. Or more like it’s hard for me. Since I’m a lazy, unmotivated person. Hah.
Anyways, school started for me Monday! I always find school an extremely stressful time of year for me. I have a hard time wanting to work hard on my grades because I feel inadequate compared to everyone else, my friends especially. I honestly don’t try as hard in school as I could. I’m always just doing stuff that taps at my limits but never goes over them when I’m always told to try and go over my limit. So I always feel like crap for just doing what I know I can do instead of trying to test myself.
It was my first week at a new school though. I didn’t move cities or anything. My town just finally decided that they needed another high school. The only thing I really have to complain about is the lunchroom. It should have been bigger. I expected it to be bigger. There should be more than ONE LINE. LIKE REALLY? Then how you have to tell the lunch ladies what you want (out of five different choices) which makes the line go SUPER SLOW.
Other than that, I’m pretty ok with it. We’ve needed to get more books and desks because every room only has 30 desks and books or no books at all. My C Programming class has been especially frustrating in that department. I think more frustrating for my teacher but still frustrating. We didn’t even get laptops until Thursday and even then we couldn’t do anything because we couldn’t get access to something. I didn’t really understand what we couldn’t get access to exactly but it has prevented us from starting our actual programming.
Another thing about my C Programming class, some of the people in there are unbearable. It’s not the entire class, just a few people that follow this one person. They’re basically just a bunch of douches but what can I say, life, high school especially, if full of douches. I should get over it but it still bothers me a lot.
Besides that stuff, school has being going alright. There has been other stuff on my mind more though. About myself and my friends.
I find myself to be more of loner. Though I can often be lonely and clingy. I feel like the loneliness and clinginess is only satisfied when I’m someone I wish to be close to. I think mostly because I find it hard to connect with someone. I want to find a best friend, someone that’s close to me and only me (minus gf/bf relationships and parental relationships) but most of the time I often find myself befriending a group of people. Everyone already knows everyone, with a usual pair being closer to each than everyone else. This often makes me feel like I’m an intruder so I’ll pull myself back and be a floater that could possibly leave anytime.
Sometimes I really wish I could talk about this to someone sometimes. It really brings me down. Not to mention my lack of self-esteem so I’ll often self-pity myself over it. Lately I’ve picked up the habit of telling myself how stupid and worthless I am. Haha…I sometimes try to say something positive but my pessimistic/realistic side always gets in the way. It’s like it beats up the optimistic side of me all the time to where it’s hovering in the cover rambling crazily at itself denying what just happen.
Siiiiggghhh. I needed to write this out. I think I’m done for now.
So, lately, I’ve been a bit depressed this week. It’s about my whole ex-boyfriend situation. I broke up with him in March but I was still feeling pretty upset about it, even to the point where I decided not to eat much for a day. The only reason I ate anything that day was because I hate the feeling of being super tired when you haven’t had anything. I ended up contacting a ~wonderful~ aneue and talked to her about it. She basically gave me a slap in the face (the good kind) and made me realize some things and I felt SO much better.
Now I’m a bit sad again though. Lately, I’ve come to realize that my ex-boyfriend and I just can’t continue being friends anymore. Us breaking up pretty severed any form of connection that we had. It wasn’t that I disliked him or anything like that. It was just a situation where when a couple breaks up the have a hard time keeping any form of a relationship together. My ex-boyfriend actually contacted me today asking about how I don’t really want to talk to him and I explained everything. Though he believed that I simply didn’t like him anymore, not true. I just couldn’t bring myself to feel any connection and I just felt like I was pushing myself whenever I talked to him. We just didn’t connect like we used to.
The conversation near the end made me terribly sad. He told me that even though I didn’t want to talk to him anymore that he still loved me. Ow. Just ow. I’ve been bawling over my regret and I finally get it off my chest and he still tells me he has feelings for me. Ugh. Smash my head against a wall or something, please.
In other news, my mom told me at the last minute yesterday that she was going to go to a concert and that my cousin was coming over. She’s the same age as me as so my mom asked me to hang out with her since you had to be 18 to go to the concert. I didn’t last very long after they left though. I ended up staying up all day on one hour of sleep because my mom wanted me to clean my room and I couldn’t find time to nap.They left around 6 and I went to bed around an hour to a half after that. I just couldn’t stay up. I felt bad for leaving my cousin alone but what can you do.
Also, apparently my mom is super mad at my cousin’s mom now. She apparently brought in people we didn’t know in our house while my mom still wasn’t home and lied about a lot of things (talk about being a dick). So I don’t think I’ll see much of my cousin anymore.
Pretty much it. I don’t feel like reviewing what I typed so sorry if anything’s wrong.
I’m feeling really nervous about my Driver’s Ed test tomorrow. I’ve been doing better, especially since my brother took me out for about an hour and half drive in all the conditions I was in. I think that helped me out a lot but I missed a day because my teacher had somewhere to go and apparently heabsolutelyhad to go. Our test is going to be at Bridge Street, which is a place that can get super busy and full of traffic. I wanted to practice driving there today but no one was able to go with me. So now I feel unprepared and I feel like my parents are expecting me to get it because everyone says it’s super easy but I only got about five days worth of practice for about less than thirty minutes each for the hour I was there. That’s not a lot of practicing. I feel like my parents will look down on me or think something’s wrong if I don’t because it’s Driver’s Ed and, ya’know, it’s supposed to teach me how to drive.
Honestly it’s just a BS class and my teacher is really harsh. I hope I’m able to catch a break and be lucky tomorrow. Ack.
Also, my finger is inflamed because I pulled a loose piece of skin off of it and it’s becoming really bothersome.
I hope you all are having better luck than I am.